MLBeat

member: taymasterj
league: 24-Hour Procrastination Center

Hi, I've written a number of times with questions/complaints about your fantasy game, particularly your trade review system. One of our teams anonymously protests every single agreed-upon trade and has done so since our league began. Annoying, yes, but I could live with this if ESPN's trade review process was less monolithic and inscrutable. A couple of offseason trades were vetoed this morning, as were several of our trades during last season, and as an experienced fantasy player I can honestly say I have no idea why ESPN decided they should be overturned. No explanation is provided. Many of the trades in question were described by your auto-reviewer--I'm guessing it's a machine--as "too imbalanced to maintain the integrity of your league," but looking at the players involved I simply couldn't tell which side was supposed to be favored. I have been playing fantasy baseball for 8 years now and have never seen anything like this. We are left with the feeling that it will be impossible to improve our teams via trade, which is a significant part of the enjoyment of fantasy baseball. That I actually spent money so I could endure this frustration makes it much worse. What exactly did I pay for?
I apologize for the lengthy email, I know it probably isn't fun for you the ESPN employee to read, and I know I am supposed to make suggestions, so here we go: Improve the trade-review apparatus. Have real humans inspecting the particulars, not merely algorithms or statistical projections. Give a real, non-automated reason for vetoing a trade, so we would know how to make it more fair. Give us guidelines for what types of trades will be vetoed (I can promise you there are no attempts at collusion in our league.) Allow our league to turn off trade review with a 75%, or even 80%, majority, as our lone protester isn't about to help us achieve a unanimous vote. Maybe most importantly, give a human response to complaints, so that we the paying customers feel that we have actually paid for something.
I try to be fair and reasonable in situations such as these. If our league's situation hasn't changed by the start of the '06 season, then I will have zero basis for recommending ESPN Fantasy Baseball to any of my friends in the present or future. Surely some or most of you have participated in, or at least seen, CBS Sportsline or Yahoo leagues. I can't be the only one that sees the Grand Canyon of a quality gap at this point. Most of the explanation I've received in the past for similar complaints pointed to the sheer volume of email and league activity you have to deal with; all I can say is that if these deficiencies continue then the volume will become less and less of a problem. I sincerely hope this email gets into the hands of someone who can help. Thank you for reading it.
Taylor Upchurch

So Terry Frai tries to write a column for ESPN.com wherein he defends the NHL's drug situation in part by hiding behind the drug situations of other sports:

(a) 27 strikes and you're out -- and such belated implementation that records should be divided into "juiced" and "non-juiced" eras;

Let's stop right there. Are records divided into "dead-ball" and "non-dead-ball" eras? How about "raised mound" and "regular mound" eras? Do we sort the all-time statistics for triples to account for the huge Forbes-ian fields of yesteryear, or for the ongoing love affair with Astroturf that has only recently begun to fade? Did we wipe all the slates clean when the league became integrated? Or when Baltimore's Camden Yards ushered in a phase of new ballparks built with significantly smaller dimensions? What about when the spitball was outlawed?

Major League Baseball has never been the same and it never will be. It is a centuries-long novel, surviving on a cast of thousands that arise out of the dust, only to inevitably break down and return to it. It is older than the United Nations, the airplane, and the Spanish-American War. Where in that novel is it written that records are required to be equal-opportunity across generations? Did you know that twelve of the top twenty single-season batting averages came before 1900, and that you have to go all the way to 37th to find a season after 1950, and even that was Tony Gwynn in a strike-shortened 1994? Are people really going to put the book down because the most recent chapter was mildly unsettling, or are they going to turn the page and read the next one?

Looks like the new answer is Choice F: Alex Rodriguez is now an American again. Unbelievable. If the World Classic were pickup basketball, this would be the guy who waits until four guys have made their "entry" free throws before taking his turn, so as to align himself with the squad that's shaping up as more talented. At what point do the U.S. and Dominican organizations say screw it, kick him out entirely, and replace him with David Eckstein / Manny Alexander?

Less than two months now until the ballyhooed World Baseball Classic finally gets underway. As for the question of how we got all these marquee names to sign up, we can guess that they fall under one of these categories: 1) playing for pride and national glory, or 2) convinced to participate by the Players Association.

Oh, and there is a third category, reserved exclusively for the Worst Best Player of All Time:

A-Rod: 'I want to say it out loud: I am Dominican' (ESPN.com, 7/14)
A-Rod leaning to Dominican team in Classic (ESPN.com, 12/14)
A-Rod says he'll sit out World Baseball Classic (ESPN.com, 12/16)
Report: A-Rod to play for U.S. (ESPN.com, 1/4)
A-Rod on Dominican roster, not sure he'll play (ESPN.com, 1/17)

All you IQ test-takers out there know the next headline in this sequence will be:
A) "A-Rod to sit out Classic...again"
B) "A-Rod reaffirms intent to suit up for D.R., but mistakenly shows up to press conference in U.S. jersey"
C) "A-Rod to apply for Japanese citizenship"
D) "A-Rod announces intent to leave Yanks, play for St. Louis Cardinals in '06"
E) "Dominican Republic to become 51st U.S. state, A-Rod says"

(1) Injuries.

Cause guys don't lie on the field, motionless, for dozens of minutes at a time, while medical staff and players block camera shots. In baseball, major injuries occur only a few times a year (e.g. Garciaparra's muscle tear or Robin Ventura's broken leg). In the NFL, nary a game goes by without a player being carted off (e.g. Carson Palmer, Ben Roethlisberger). Major injuries slow down the NFL, and baseball is better off without them. Baseball remains entertaining without the need to have guys run into each other all the time.

(2) Celebrations.

Granted, baseball's hop is the silliest, most awkward game-ending celebration in all of sport, paling in comparison to the simple but elegant cold Gatorade bath. But, NFL players celebrating such trivial plays as sacks, tackles, pass break-ups, and first downs are unfortunately ubiquitous during the course of NFL games. And the little dances they do? There's the Sheriff, who twirls his six-shooters on his fingers before holstering them, and also the winged bird man who swoops across the field of play after tackling the kick returner. Please! How annoyingly incongruous to the underlying play. Does tackling the kick-off returner really merit a little dance at the 25 yard-line? Why not have pitchers just round the bases after a sacrifice bunt?

And those jumps into the stands. It used to be neat when only one team was doing it (the Packers I think?) But now it's gotten lame. In baseball, players don't charge into the stands hoping to be groped by fat, bearded strangers.

And, for the record, the uprights aren't made for dunking. Hey, NFL, how about this: Fuck the extra points and the two point conversions. Let's just give the scoring team two PATs if the guy who just scored can dunk it through the uprights. Extra-point kicks are so perfunctory anyways.

(3) Instant Replay.

I need only two words to make my point here: Instant Replay. What do I mean by that? Are you unconvinced? OK, wait ten minutes (while I duck under a dark sheet and make out with a tiny television) and I'll have an answer for you. What are you supposed to do in the meantime? I dunno, watch some commercials with Howie Long and John Madden in them. Or, re-read what I've just written—over and over and over and over and over.

(4) Flags.

Just another means by which the NFL game slows down. To think that I hear people complain that baseball is "too slow." At least in baseball we don't wait a minute while the officiating crew gathers to find out what the hell just happened on the last play. The only time we care about flags in baseball is when they're blowing out.

(5) FOX/CBS/DISNEY.

At least for baseball games, fans don't rely on the exclusive trio of FOX, CBS, and DISNEY to broadcast the games.

Welcome to the pilot episode of How To / How Not To, brought to you by the makers of MLBeat's Offseason Player Movement Chart. "The Offseason Player Movement Chart: It's Keeping-Track-tastic!"

In today's episode we take a look at Positioning Newly Acquired Players.

How Not To. Nationals trade OFs Brad Wilkerson and Termel Sledge to Texas for 2B Alfonso Soriano. Nationals GM Jim Bowden, who already has Jose Vidro at second base, announces that Soriano will play the outfield, while also confessing that he hasn't actually spoken to Soriano about moving to the outfield, a proposition Soriano has openly resisted in the past. (And a misguided resistance at that, given his history with the glove at second.) Soriano not only flatly refuses to move, he indicates his preference to sign with an American League team as soon as his contract expires in the winter, citing his own comfort level playing in the junior circuit. Result: Bowden must trade Soriano again to avoid saddling his team with a disgruntled, pitching-park-depressed sieve for a second baseman, and the only available options are now American League teams, further reducing the chances he gets fair value in return.

How To. Astros sign OF Preston Wilson to a one-year contract:

"Right now, it's unclear where Wilson will play.

Wilson has played primarily center field, where Willy Taveras started last season. [Taveras] batted .291 and stole 34 bases, finishing second to Philadelphia's Ryan Howard in the NL Rookie of the Year voting.

If the Astros keep Taveras and play Wilson, they would have to move either Lance Berkman or Chris Burke out of left field or Jason Lane from right.

Purpura said manager Phil Garner will make those decisions."

That's all for us today, folks. Tune in next time for How To / How Not To, as we discuss Placing Neifi Perez in a Big League Batting Order. Happy January!