MLBeat

The Philly Inquirer has jumped out to a huge early lead, by the way, on the offseason's most interesting story. It looks like Phillies reliever Ugueth Urbina, the only player in baseball history with the initials U.U.U., had himself a little incident upon returning to his residence in Venezuela from a welcome-home party. From the article:

According to one of the farmworkers, Urbina started asking about a firearm that had disappeared. The worker, 21-year-old Ricardo Osal, told police that Urbina and others rounded up the workers, beat them, attacked them with a machete, then splattered gasoline and paint thinner on them and burned them.

Now, we at MLBeat are categorically opposed to setting human beings on fire. This is not a new stance for us. But what really makes this story interesting, what really gives it that extra oomph, is the involvement of a machete.

For anyone who hasn't foraged through undiscovered jungle territory or seen Hotel Rwanda, a machete is like an oversized knife. If we replace "machete" in the story with "knife," then this story becomes a lot more run-of-the-mill, just another depiction of yet another athlete's thuggery and brutality off the field. But there's something about a machete, presumably the exaggerated size, that apparently gives the story a humorous edge, bringing out the snark in everyone, and giving rise to Photoshop efforts like this one (cribbed from the700level.com).

Far be it from us to jump atop the pile. A machete probably doesn't look so funny if the business end of it is being pointed in your direction. Yes, a foot-long blade might seem more vicious than any normal set of circumstances might demand, but it bears repeating that we already knew Urbina's security needs in Venezuela probably go beyond normal. And the more I think about it, especially in conjunction with the questionable mental stability of those around us...maybe I should get me one of those.